Military Divorce (Ask Molly)

A reader writes (details deleted to protect identities):

Dear Molly,

My husband is deployed and due to his infidelity, we are divorcing. I cannot save or keep up bills right now. He is helping with rent but not much beyond that.

I have severe medical problems that cause anxiety and panic attacks.

Is there anything I can do to have the Army help get me back home? I plan to meet with the commander.

Dear Fellow MilSpouse

First, as a fellow wife, woman, and person, I am sorry to hear about your troubles.

As a lawyer’s wife, I must preface all of this with the statement that this does not constitute actionable legal advice and that your best bet is to seek out a family law practitioner in your state who is familiar with military divorce. Laws vary from state to state and the military adds another layer of complexity.

As a former FRG leader, though, there is some information I can pass along that may prove helpful.

  • You do not mention whether or not he has agreed to the divorce. As you are probably aware, he can legally delay divorce proceedings while he is deployed. Even if he is willing to proceed and you agree on everything, his deployment will most likely slow things down quite a bit. Once you have a divorce, any court orders (such as alimony or any benefits to which you are entitled) can be enforced by the military. Here is some information about those benefits for divorced military spouses. As you can see, there are various factors such as the length of his service and of your marriage.
  • The short answer to your question about the military paying for your move is no. However, indirectly, there may be a solution to your financial problems.
  • Before meeting with the commander, you may want to talk to your FRG leader if you have a competent one. The FRG leader may be able to advocate for you in the most appropriate way, especially if she is the commander’s wife.
  • If you do meet with the commander I would recommend NOT approaching the commander to tell him there is a divorce in progress and you want money for moving home. Instead, I would recommend saying that despite the problems you are currently experiencing, you are still at this time his wife and you are still maintaining his household. He is receiving allowances specifically alloted for his household expenses, including BAH (which is higher because he has dependents) and a Family Separation Allowance (which he would not receive if he did not have dependents). You mention he is helping with the rent–I don’t know how your rent compares to BAH, but since you are maintaining his household while he is gone, you should be getting the full BAH and the Family Separation Allowance. Ask to have these moneys directly deposited into an account in your name.

Servicemembers are expected to provide for their families while deployed. However, there is a good bit of latitude given the individual command as to how this is accomplished. So, be sure to approach the command calmly and logically–and hopefully they will make this step easier for you.

Another avenue that may be worth researching is the Exceptional Family Members Program (EFMP) on your post. I do not know if your medical conditions qualify and if they can provide any assistance, but perhaps they can help in some way. Your FRG leader or Chaplain may also be aware of other post or local programs that may able to to help you out.

Hope this information is helpful to you!

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74 comments

  1. Trish says:

    Seriously tough topic. Glad you are able to help.

    [removed by site owner]

    Edited By Siteowner

  2. MrsSSG says:

    Hi Molly! I tried emailing you again about guest posting and the email came back undeliverable…..could you email me with the account you currently use – I am still very interested just had to disappear for a bit. Thanks!

  3. Anonymous says:

    my so called husband is in the army.
    we have been married for almost 3 years, hes never helped me at all with money . he only would give me less then $400 a month. then i would have to pay me cell phone and buy him stuff that he wanted.. i wold be left with nothing , this was when he was in

  4. Anonymous says:

    my so called husband is in the army . we have been married for almost 3 years. he never helped me financially, he would send me $400 a month and that stopped when he came back to hawaii from iraq …. i lived with my mother because he did not want me living with him (YET)….
    so with that $400 i had to pay my cell phone bill and pay for all the stuff he wanted me to send him when he was in iraq…..i was left with no money. my mother payed for eveything i needed. he did alot more then this…………………………..
    now we are not together but we r still married he dose not want a divorce and i dont have money for one ….i want him out of my life… what should i do?

    oh…. he has been receiving BAH for as long as we have been married.
    and he still is in hawaii ….

  5. Anon:

    You mention the money and the living apart, but not whether you really ever had much of a marriage to speak of.

    First, call Military OneSource and allow them to help you find resources to determine whether you are really ready to go for a divorce.

    If divorce is the only option that seems right to you, you do not need a lot of money.

    Call your state bar to see if you might qualify for free or reduced representation.

    If you are not suing for alimony and do not have joint accounts, you might not even need a lawyer, but it does not hurt to find out what your options are.

  6. Jenny says:

    Hello,

    My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have no children and I worked as a photographer. Lately my photography work has been extremely slow and I have decided to go to school. (Which starts this fall) My husband for the past 2 years has been extremely distant, doesn’t communicate, gets angry quickly. I have tried to stick in there with him but nothing has helped the communication level. 3 weeks ago i was scheduled to go to a baby shower that was 3 hours away at my best friend’s sisters home. I told him I would be gone or one night but would return the next day. I got a little sick early in the day at the shower so drove back home. Only to find another woman outside in the parking lot talking to my husband. (mind you a week beforehand my husband said he wanted to file for divorce out the blue). So I said nothing, came in the house an saw that all my things were stuffed in a closet. When he came in, he said the woman was just a friend. I assume the woman had been inside our home and of course I got very angry, began to cry and left. Our first vehicle years ago was in my name and we sold it about 5 years ago. We have two cars now, both in his name. He tries to make me feel as if his military pay would remain the same whether he was married to me or not and is basically telling me he’s moving out in 30 days and will not help me with any bills! He just wants to pick up and leave me with our mutual debt thats under my credit, take both cars and everything. Can he do this? What about my schooling and the G.I. Bill? Will I still be able to go to school? :( I have a strong feeling that he’s trying to divorce me to quickly re marry to make sure he maintains his lifestyle. I also believe he wants to take both cars and give them to his new “lover” I have absolutely no family to live with as I was a foster growing up. We got married young (me 19) and him 20..we’ve been through a lot together and have grown together. Although i feel he’s grown into a diff person. I’m now almost 27..He has been very irresponsible with our finances for the past few years, so we really have no savings at all. The money I brought in from my photography jobs usually went to the bills. Can he truly just take everything and leave me with nothing? He’s acting as if he can and is going to do that. He’s a SGT. in the Marines.

  7. Candace says:

    Jenny–

    If you want to try to save the marriage, then speak with a chaplain (they’ll keep religion out of it if requested) or start going to a therapist (call TRICARE or you can talk to Military OneSource to get started) and try to convince him to go for joint counseling.

    If you believe that he will file for divorce and/or you have decided that is the way to go, the only legitimate advice anyone can give you is to contact a lawyer in your state, preferably one who specializes in military divorce.

    Call your state bar association for a recommendation and do it immediately.

    I am not a lawyer and even if I was, I would have to be practicing in your state to give you any sort of real answer. I also do not know in whose names the cars are or the circumstances under which the debt was acquired.

    What I will say, is that there is nothing in any military law that prevents a court from splitting community property according to state law. In fact, his career in the military may make it easier to enforce any eventual court decision since he can’t hide his salary and any court award can be automatically deducted if necessary.

    You can google military divorce to get a general outline of how various pays may be divided, but ultimately it is your state law and the judge, not the military, that will divide communal debt and property.

  8. Jenny says:

    Thank you so much for this information. I have tried to get him to go to counseling with me for 2 years but he would say he wanted to go and never show up. In a way, I think divorce is the best for us as I want to go to school and be with someone I feel I can have children with (as he has recently told me he doesn’t want any) but I do.

    Both vehicles are in his name. One I acquired through POA (with his permission of course) while he was in Iraq. Our old car at that time had gave out and this was the car we had 4 years prior that was in my name. He sold it once he got back to the states. and another car he recently bought without my consent. Both are mustangs..both in his name. We live in Virginia, were stationed in Quantico for 4 years, then California and now back in the Virginia area for the past year.

    What I don’t understand about him is that the money disappears from the accounts, and only enough for bills left (that I pay and keep up the household) he’s rarely home (he’s a recruiter) yet he thinks we have enough money for a divorce. He sat me down one evening and broke down his mypay and told me that he doesn’t get any extra money for being married anymore since he’s a SGT and that if he wanted to live alone without me after we divorce that he would still receive BAH. I felt like he was basically saying trying to make me believe that i was worthless. I’ve become really depressed that I held out for so long trying to nurture this man and on a whim when he wants a divorce, everything is supposed to disappear. I feel used.

  9. Candace says:

    Although they are proposing narrowing the gap between with and without dependents for BAH, at this point he still gets more for having a dependent. He would still receive BAH without a dependent, but it would be less.

    That is really neither here nor there, though. In a divorce, you would get what the judge awarded, not what your husband thinks you should get. Only a lawyer can help you understand what that might be.

    What is really troubling me though, is that he is using the finances (and lying about them) to make you feel worthless and insignificant.

    I don’t know your husband, and what he may have gone through recently to have a sudden shift in his character.

    You can’t force him into therapy, but I would suggest you consider it for yourself to work through some of these issues at least for your own sake. Call OneSource to get started.

    And please, do talk to a lawyer. Again, your state bar can help you find the right lawyer.

  10. Jenny says:

    Thank you for the encouragement Candance, you have no idea how much it means to me.

    Take care.

  11. JTPERRY says:

    i AM A RETIREE. mY HUSBND DID 20 YEARS IN THE MILITARY, i WAS MARRIED TO HIM 17 1/2 OF THESE YEARS. AFTER 23 YEARS OF MARRAGE, HE LEFT ME AND TWO MINOR CHILDREN A CHILD WITH A DISABILITY AND A CHILD IN COLLEGE. HE HAS CONTRIBUTED NOTHNG TO THEIR SUPPORT SINCE HE LEFT. tODAY, i WENT TO THE DENTIST ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT HE HAS CANCELLED MY DENTAL INSURANCE. cAN HE LEGALY DO THIS? wE ARE NOT YET DIVORCED???
    pLEASE HELP!!

    jtp

  12. samantha says:

    dear molley,
    my boyfriend is leaving in November to join the army and im scared that he will get hurt and i dont no how take it? could you please help me/

  13. samantha–remember that at this point he is not deploying yet.

    Try not to focus on “what ifs.”

    Write to him, but understand that he may not be able to write back often during training. Do things for yourself–take classes, get a hobby, volunteer, work, do fun and positive things with friends. This way you can continue to grow as a person–good for you and your relationship.

  14. jtp–Call the dental insurance provider. If the dental is through the military, call OneSource. You have minor children, go to the court and get an interim order for child support. If you cannot afford a lawyer, call your state bar association to help you find a lawyer who will work on a sliding scale or possibly pro bono (free) depending on your circumstances.

  15. Dee says:

    I am a 100% disabled army veteran, my ex-husband retired the divorce is final the problem I am facing is I want the equidable distribution hearing to be reopened in MI. he lives in N.C. What law is it for me as a disabled veteran that would allow the case to be moved to MI.?

  16. Anna says:

    Dear Molly,
    This is all very similar to my story. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have 3 kids together, ages 6 yrs, 5yrs and 2yrs of age. He’s been in the military since Jan. 2003. Due to his numerous infidelities, betrayls and deceit, we are now divorcing. I am currently living with my family while he’s deployed to Iraq. He deployed in Janurary of 2009. I am currently staying with my family until I can afford to have a place of my own for my kids and myself. We are only recieving child support from my husband, who happens to be a Specialist in the army, but he’s retaining the BAH and Family Seperation. He claims that it’s all his and not for me or the children. I have no idea at this point what we are entitled to or who to speak with. The Army has been of no help to us whatsoever. Every time I’ve reached out for help, they’ve turned their backs on us. Is there any advice that you could possibly provide for me? Also, he is filing for the divorce while he is deployed, there is quite a bit more to this, but this pretty much the most of it. He also recieved a DUI on the army base he was stationed at in May of 2006. Thank you in advance for any help or advice.

    Sincerely,
    Anna

  17. Amanda says:

    Dear Molly,

    i have been married to a soldier for 4 years and we have a 21 month old. He recently got back from Iraq about 3 months ago and now we are divorcing. It was never a really good marriage to begin with. I have been a stay at home mom since our daughter was born and I am also currently getting my master’s in education. he left for Iraq last May and while he was over there I took care of what I had always taken care of (our daughter, the finances, and the household) while being a full time student. I even did a lot of his course work for him while he was over in Iraq to help him through classes so he can obtain his degree. HE had a thirty day leave so we both went home to our families and were going to meet up for vacation later in the leave. However, about a week after we left of leave we were arguing and talked about ending it for good and he stopped talking to me and wouldn’t answer the phone etc. finally he texted me to tell me my voice makes him sick to his stomach, he is more depressed than he ever has been, doesn’t know how to make it day to day and that life sucks. Also texted me to say if he stays in this marriage the way it is, he may harm me. I called his commander and told him the situation and then he blamed me for ruining his military career. Recently, he went into our savings and took all our money and put it into a personal account of his. He also took more than half of what was in checking. We also have a joint account with Scottrade that has nearly 10,000 dollars in it that I don’t know if he is going to try and get. He went to a lawyer and got a separation agreement ready and wants to “get things moving” said he is only required to give me a portion of his BAH and 17 to 21 % of income for our daughter.He said I need to get a job which I plan on doing (god willing with this economy) and that he needs all that money he took out to get a new place. That money is what I saved for us while he was in Iraq and I took care of our child and the household but he says it is “his” money not mine. I am so mad but trying to stay civil and hoping I can find help to fight this and get half of that money. Please, if you have any advice, please, please, let me know, anyone. Oh and he has smoked marijuana this whole time in the military that I have known him and buys lasix from overseas and beats the drug test everytime and he smokes it outside of our apartment and keeps the marijuana there even when I told him not too. If I bring this up I am afraid he will be dishonorably discharged and we will not get benefits of child support. Will my daughter and I get any benefits that he will be receiving after he leaves the military in October (after 8 years of service)? I know this is long but I am desperate on what to do.

  18. I cannot emphasize this enough–you must speak with a lawyer.

    If you need information about military resourcesor you need counseling, call Military OneSource…but ONLY a lawyer in your state can advise you about divorce settlements.

  19. mirrortomyheart says:

    Wow, it seems like so many women like myself have chose to stay in dead end relationships in hopes to rekindle a dream. I have a Degree and 3 children and have been married 6yrs to my husband who is a 1sgt in the army. I see where I went wrong on my part I never took into account is this the man for me and ignored the warning signs before I married. I held on to hope that he would change and things will get better year after year. Now it is too late because I do not know who I am and we have no relationship. He now is deployed and plans on relocating to another state once he gets back. His future is more important to him and his happiness. At one point we were in love but he changed and is somewhat a stranger to me. We as women scarifice so much more and these men can pick up and move on with their lives. I am so angry but the only thing I can do is pull myself up by my boot straps and move on. I now have faith in God and my strength comes from him. He wants happiness for us and peace. He gave me my girls from this man and he served his purpose. I have a joke I tell my friends atleast I got screwed over by a man who had no choice but to support me. I am a Social Worker and see so many women who are in far worst conditions and I am grateful for my opportunity. My new philosophy is the world is my oyster it hurts but life is not over…for me. He can move on and leave me but God wants better for me and I do struggle with depression but I am holding on to faith.

  20. soon2bxarmywife says:

    I’m so glad it’s almost over!!! I want my life back! I am a Priority! I deserve better than what the Military Life Style can give! & why the heck can we get free boob jobs but the dental only covers 50% of a crown? Oh..yeah…once again….women are objects…nothing more. That good old boy attitude still sucks!

  21. Candace says:

    soon2bbxarmywife–Sorry you had a bad experience. I never felt like I was treated as an object because of my gender. I was treated as a valuable part of a team. It was not perfect, few things are. Good luck in civilian life…

  22. Angie says:

    HEY LADIES OUT THERE!! I hear you ! so deep in my heart it hurts to know all this sadness in the world of stupidity
    and abscense of self-respect and the knowing of God’s love for us we need to realize we here to serve his purpose to inspired each other to love everything and everybody
    But nooo ! we woman are caught up in total emotionally disconection with ourselves and our true beauty and value as a human beings

    I want you to know and be reminded of our position here on earth WE ARE PRINCESSES daughter os the most high
    why not to be,walk,talk and behave like the ladies princesses we are?

    LOve yourself continue loving your kids live love life be descent work on loving yourself so much that you will attract love all kinds of love
    you will see how people will want to be around your beautiful soul

    Stop complaining!! start LIVING ! LIVE LAUGH LOVE!!! STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER BEAUTY AND YOUR FATHER THAT LOVES US DEARLY!! HOPE GOD GUIDE YOIU TO EMBRACE YOUR UNIQUENESS AND HELP TO SPREAD THE LOVE EVEN IN THOUGH TIMES WE PRINCESSES CAN DO THAT AND MORE LOVE YOU ALL TAKE CARE
    BLESSINGS!!

  23. Anonymous says:

    well i have been married for a year and i have done everything my husband has asked me to do but for some reason thats not enough. i have no job and i have a 3 year old son who is not my husbands. well his been acting so different with me tell me that he doesnt love me and never has that only reason he married me was because he would get paid more and he had things he needed to pay. he told me that i better not ask him for nothing because he not going to help me with anything. His been trying to kick me out of our house. so what i need help well advice about is what do i need to do to get a divorce and still get money from my husband until i find a job and when me and my son are ok?

  24. Mary says:

    Dear Molly, This is a doosie…..my neighbour’s son returned ‘home’ (her house)from serving in Afghanistan about 6 months ago…along with his wife, whom he married while stationed in Italy (it is my understanding they were together for almost 2 1/2 years while there and were married his last January in her native Romania). To make a long story short, apparantly he now wants a divorce and is refusing to start her immigration process. Besides the immigration issue, does she have any rights/options through the military as they were married while he was active duty? I don’t want to become too involved with their problems, but I do feel for her, being alone in a foreign country and now being told that he wants a divorce, she just doesn’t know what to do, and is scared that he is going to throw her out of the house. Any advice we be most welcome.

  25. Jenny says:

    Hi.

    This is a long story. I’ll try to make it brief as possible.

    “John” and I have been married for 3 years. We’ve been together for nearly 10. He enlisted in the ARMY in 2007. We moved to NY later that year and it was agreed that I would stay home and raise the kids. All of the bills went into my name. I had perfect credit at this time. Then he spent us into a large hole. The bills didn’t get paid and my credit was ruined. I have about $3600 in household debt accrued on my credit report, just from NY. He got a loan to cover the deficit in the account, but it was too late and we were behind and kept getting more behind. My Mastercard got maxed out, just so we could eat. On top of this I had been begging him to bring his coworkers home, to tell me when they’d invited us over. He didn’t. Told his coworkers and their wives I wasn’t interested. Even went as far as to tell the FRG I wasn’t interested in their meetings. My son never adjusted to the move and developed mental problems. It was then, with the help of my mother, that the kids and I moved back home. Two months after that we decided to get divorced. He started sleeping with his SGT. We had agreed it would be ok to see other people. I had somebody too. After about a month she ended it, and that’s when he started harassing me. Mind you he was deployed during all of this. Using his paycheck and the kids welfare to control who I saw or talked to. Would change the the allotment I got if I didn’t answer the phone late at night. Demanding to know why I had been at such and such place at two in the afternoon using the online banking to prove when I had been out. When he came home on leave, he (against my better judgement) stayed here because he was paying for the house. He drank every night. Would get in my face with his face, though he never hit me. Interrogated our five year old son about who I saw and what I did to the point that he was in tears. Nevermind all the tears I’ve shed over his constant threats about taking my babies away. And nevermind that he got a girl pregnant while he was on leave. Now he back in the states, living with the Sgt that he had been sleeping with. I’ve been cut down to $1500/mo which will pay the bills…just barely. I can’t find work. I can’t find any assistance to help get rid of the debt or help with current bills. We’re drowning here. I need to get on my feet, need a divorce, need to be rid of the pressure of this man and I can find no help.

    Can he hide behind his SSRA forever? Am I going to be able to divorce him? Are there any military divorce specialists that don’t charge $300/hr? Are there any benefits that the military offers to help me find a job that will actually pay the bills? because the state provided job assistance/placement is a joke. Are there any organizations that will help with the bills in the meantime? Is there anything that can be done? This has been going for almost a year, my stress is high to the point that I have trouble eating and holding down what I do eat. My kids have started to notice. I’ve run out of moves. Sorry for the length in this. A lot to say.

  26. kevin says:

    There are regulations that govern such actions. I know while being stationed OCONUS there is a system in place to move spouse’s back home. Id imagine there would be the same for CONUS station. As far the BAH and Family Sep… you are not entitled to it all. Read the regulations, you entitled a specific dollar amount based solely upon his rank. The table is called the Non Locality Rate (BAH type II). Google AR 608-99, page 7.

  27. Linda says:

    My husband move to a different county while I was deployed overseas, he claimed I abandoned my child and filed for divorce. He state that he did not know my whereabouts. For months when I would call he would say everything was fine but then at some point he changed his phone number.

    Soon after I was notified that I was divorce and that he had sole custody of my child. For months I tried to find him but it was useless.

    I am out of the military and want my child back. What can I do? How can I prove that he knew where as was all along and that I did not abandon him nor my child.

  28. Amanda says:

    Hello,
    My husband and I are divorcing and he has agreed to the divorce and everything. What I am wondering is, will the Army let me stay in post housing for 6 months to get on my feet? I have heard that but I’m not so sure it’s true.

  29. Elijah Lewis says:

    Divorce will always lead to depression and anger towards the other party. As much as possible avoid divorce~:,

  30. Danielle says:

    Dear molly,
    my husband is currently at school a reclass actually we have been together his entire military career 6 years in june’11. Anyways he says he wants a divorce and Im just wondering where he would have to file. He is stationed in texas and maintains dual residence for wisconsin also. I however never gave up my residency for wisconsin but have been living with him in tx the entirety of our marriage with the exception of the two months after we got married. does he have to file in texas or in wisconsin? I just want to know cause I dont want this divorce and would like to do counseling. we are pcs’ing in feb when he gets done with school to washington state and I have already told him I will not just hand him this divorce. I want counseling we have two boys and I want them to know I tried everything to make our relationship work. He has a tendancy to give up when the going gets rough and ive always been the one behind him telling him to get back up. So I refuse to let 5 years deplete over and arguement we had about a purchase he made that could of ended in us losing our home. I just want to know which state he would have to file? cause i know wisconsin requires counseling before the dissolution of a marriage. not that i wouldnt ask for it from the judge cause that is the only thing we have not done but just need help
    thank you .

    • Candace says:

      Danielle – I wish I could be more help but I am not an attorney. You can call your state bar for a referral. Also, legal on post will not represent you but they may be able to answer your basic jurisdiction question. It may depend on who does the initial filing and where.

  31. divorce is of course one of the worst thing that you could experience but you could get over it .’-

  32. christine says:

    hi,

    I was browsing this blog site and came across this blog. i am going thru similar problems. I found out my husband in the army, stationed overseas in korea has been unfaithful the past year. I have a 2 year old son, and this is something i will be able to forgive. I am looking to divorce.

    This comes to the most important part.

    about the BAH, and family seperation allowance. He has only been giving me 1000 a month for both me and my son. The rest of the money i never see. He does not let me handle household expenses, and ive never seen a paycheck since he enlisted. 1000$’s just isnt enough for both me ad my child. I have tried asking him to give us more, or the actual amount the army requires him to give us. But, he refused the request.

    He has also not been in his childs life for more than 70 % of the time. This is such trying times for me and my son. NOt to mention the emotional distress its causing me.

    I want a divorce, but i dont know where to start. How to find a military divorce lawyer etc. I can use any help if any regarding my predicament. :(

    please help thank you

  33. Christine,

    Sorry to hear about the challenges. Your best bet in finding a lawyer is to call your state bar association. They will recommend a lawyer who is familiar with military divorce and the law in your state.

    If he is also ready to agree to the divorce, you might try a mediator first, as they are far less expensive.

    While you are still married, I would talk to a chaplain or call Military OneSource, they may have some advice on how to make sure the BAH and separation allowance goes to the support of his household and family.

  34. Kassie sharper says:

    Dear molly.

    My Husband is deployed and is not supporting our child or I. We are moving house to house just to survive. I had our daughter at 15 and I put my life planns on hold to take care of her while he betters his life. Now he does he dont want to help. I cant go back to school because he makes to much money for me to get financal aid and he want help nor will he give me a divorce.how could I get help??

  35. laura says:

    I want a divorce from my husband who is serving in the U.S Army. We already have had a legal seperation aggreement for 1 year. Our seperation agreement says I am entitled to benefits until our divorce is final. However, I would still like to get health benefits for myself and my daughter for at least one year after our divorce. Will the military do this?

  36. Candace says:

    @Laura – You will find your answers here:

    http://www.military.com/benefits/tricare/tricare-eligibility

    Your minor child most likely is eligible. You most likely are not, unless you have been married for 20 years.

  37. Nancy Landon says:

    Molly, My ex-husband is going to put in his retirement packet in December of this year and will retire in March of 2012. As per our divorce agreement he must pay me 1/2 of his retirement. When he puts in his paper work will he tell the Army or do I have to send in all of the paper work in order for me to start having the payments directly deposited in to my bank account? If I have to do it, who do I call and find out what I need to do?

    thank you

    Nancy Landon

  38. Brittney.C says:

    Hi, I am wanting a divorce from my husband whom is in the Army I am a stay at home mother of 3 and have no idea to go about this process my husband is getting out of the military probably next year for PTSD it is severe and I am taking verbal and sometimes physical abuse from him and just can’t continue this anymore.

    If you could please point me in the direction of how to go about this is would be greatly appreciated.

    ~Brittney.C

  39. anderea says:

    We are airforce not army,but I was wondering if you could still help. My husband is active duty and we live in base housing. We are not seperated or anything, but he is telling me that I have to get out of the house because he no longer wants to be together. We have a child and I am pregnant with another. Can he throw me out of military housing for no reason?

  40. tresorparis says:

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  41. elvira ortiz says:

    HELLO PLZ PLZ EMAIL A.S.P.C MY ” HUSBAND IS SO BAD WITH ME AND THE KIDS” I TRY TO GO TO THE ” FAMILY SUPPORT BUT THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I DID SOMETHING TO HIM. ALSO MY KIDS WISH HE GOES BACK OVER SEAS . IT IS HURTS TO HEAR MY KIDS TELL HIM THAT . THE MEN HERE BACK IN BROWNVILLE TX JUST SMILE AND SAY NO MRS. ORTIZ IT IS U. OMG I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE, HE IS GETTING UGLY EVERYDAY AND I HAVE ALOT OF EMAILS …. SO U CAN SEE I’M NOT THE LIER, AGAIN THANK IF U ARE OUT THERE. MRS ELVIRA MACIAS- ORTIZ. P.S MY HUSBAND IS SGT LAZ, ORTIZ

    T

  42. Noemy says:

    Dear molly

    I márried for a militar army soldier an we had 10months living togeheter, on the period of Agustín last year i talk to his 1srg herring, beca use he was not helping me finantial support for food , an others . I lost my baby on agust First i was not having food money , he was at the field, they remove money for his food overthere an here at home not food , but since we got márried 5may 2011 he was not viven support finantial thill he want it ,passing the months i start reciving paper work This Bill is just paíd a half ,me asking him what about that he always hit hisself on his Face head an broke things o always tell him i gonna call the Srg an he start saying to me ” if you call , is gonna be your fault i had ruin my career i always were quite it beca use he always had me saying was my fault, an discusions beca use i always found líes that he had cq , where it was not true he take the cq beca use he want it , other he taking a soldier to his home , an i call Srg. An he said he was having a month giving ride, Also we said he was having inspección for cars Came for work an leave home with civilizan clothes he Came at 10:30pm that Day , i see his car an a gas station an i call an he said i dont Now the street name an go fast to home , before i saw his car i call the Srg. An he told me they were done since 6:00pm always líes , an founding on his computer stuff were he said he delete everybody off exgirlfriends was not true , i support to Manny things that one Day i just told him i aas gonna leave he push me an hold hard my arm telling me i cant leave him an neighboors At the apartament we were living ear call the cops before Came the cops he tell me you verter not said anything or it Will be your fault they kick me for the army i keep quite it i trust him, believe him he was gonna change , passing all his líes he never want it a fixing , an even he saying to me that he was bipolar an that is the army Now they were gonna quick him beca use he lié , Also about him back, an Now he had a knee i ear him he went out off home talking he was with friends in a motorsquat get hurt an he always talking with his Friends on phone they gonna give me moré money , This pass friday he took his belongs And leave home, his Srg havent call me , beca use he said he want the Divorce beca use he had time he Didnt Love me, an Also beca use he said i never trust him , when is a big lié he Did Now my password off my bank debit Card an other things i Did give him all the trust giving him oportunities To not lié. Put in me on the situation to keep his líes an alimony against me , he always saying to me he cant had a phone only call And txt , beca use i had tmobile , he tell me cancel it is to much, i got verizon an free phones for my credit an he Didnt had money to paíd i cancel , Now i had all my credit poor thank he never can make a good payments on time , he start telling me call u bank tell them they can give u a caso advanc$300 , then 300 was not suficiente to him he tell me call $500 i Didnt want it And he make for only , Now i owe thAt , Also on my credit Card he tell me he was playing an then i found is overdraft an fees And late payments that is goin high. I was working i injury for my hand me telling his tell you highers if u can take me to the terapy i had two months since that he said always i for got , tomorrow i Will tell them , i dont had a car is broke , he Didnt leave money for food, i had a paíd the new company phone , by the 28/march/2012 i had a paíd the light Bill, i had a paíd home 540rent i had a paíd a finantial that i get to paíd things he was owe , i had a paíd a Vacuum i had a paíd others things that he was helping me

  43. Noemy says:

    O Contact legal Aíd want 500 for front but total off everything1959 , reduced representation is not free , How they can help us really , were an wt offices we can go to jack but i not even Now were i can go or with who off his comandérs , i dont Now if he gonna give money o dont Now if he file the Divorce already , i dont Now if his gonna support me , he Didnt support me even be living togeheter , How is i can recieve help, if they just leave us anytime wheneverbthey want to , And do what ever with us , hurting us phisical , verbal an emotionally , really give us help is not posible us has a military auges wont help us , This agresora can not be free an be doing things to other propale riuning others lides How they Did with us . I Need help a defender for all the fraud, alimony, And keep me scared to talk.

  44. cj k says:

    Can someone please help me understand how things work when you are first approaching divorce? Like I would have to leave and get my own place…what about money? I would have to leave before the divorce was final and so shouldn’t I get a portion of his bah because we have 3 kids? If i do, how soon will I get it? We have nothing saved and ive stayed at home for 3 yrs, which is how long we’ve been married. I can’t plan on relocating until i know i have money and how much. So i guess wed be separated until it was final. How would that work if I’m in another state? He’s is abusive and therefore need to get out fast and have him not see it coming to much. He knows but I’m scared if i said its over for sure, then he will hurt me, or kids or make thing s extremely difficult for me. He’s already canacled my debit card over a fight..so I can only imagine what he’d do if he knew I was leaving! Another question, can I take our kids out of state? I have no family or friends around hhere and would be forced to move by family in another state. I feel trapped and have no clue what direction to go. Lets say i wantrd tto leave in 2 weeks…how can I when it comes to money and the kids?

  45. chiruta says:

    My husband left me after two months of marriage.we got married 8 yrs back.He left me on the context of fake training and left me at my parents house.we did no thave intercourse according to him.he was a major in ordinance that time.Name is [REDACTED] .I don’t want him as he didn’t give me a single penny after leaving me though he gave me just Rs500 in the first month.
    I just want my jewellery back which is worth a few lakhs.Though the amount is not v v high i want it back.
    IHe said he will not give me any maintenance since marriage was not consummated.
    where do i appeal,in which court..I don’yt have any job though am highely educated.
    Plz help
    An Indian girl

  46. April says:

    I married someone in the navy in 2000 then had a baby jan 2001. Something happened with my daughter when I left her with him to go get an MRI done I just had surgery I notices she had many bruises on her face. She was in pain I could tell cause she was in so much pain. Well needless to say CPS got involved well i did everything cps asked me to do and got ashlyn back whom is my daughter well our daughter i got her back in less than 6 months! The judge knew i didnt do anything wrong and told me i was a good mother, we all make mistakes but what he dis to her i could never forget! any ways they gave me sole and physical custody, what does that mean!? One day we were walking to the store and we had a disagreement and he grabbed my arm and was pulling me I was crying and telling him to let go I noticed a car that kept passing by and they called the mps military police and he went to jail. I got some money from the navy every month which was 1,100 a month I got that for 2 years do you think I could still get benefits? Like medical he really messed up my head, I’m insecure I have chronic depression I’m bipolar and I can’t afford the dr. We have now been separated for 11 years in September he has never tried to contact me to see his daughter who is 11 now! I filed child support on him a few years ago he showed up for the hearing they tried to offer me 160 a month and he got to see her 6 hours Sunday and Saturday. My lawyer at the time said hell no cause he didn’t need to see her and he said he only made 5.15 an hour! So can you answer my questions

  47. army wife 28 says:

    Me and my husband have been together a little over a year. He is now asking for a divorce because he said I am not cut out to be a military wife. This is my first marriage and first soldier. I do not want the divorce as I love him dearly, I am willing to do what ever it takes to work things out. I am wondering if the military will grant the divorce if its just due to not getting along. Would we have to go to mandatory counseling? (which I would prefer) I just dont know enough about the military life yet to get on top of this. Please help!!

  48. Stephanie says:

    Why does the Army claim to be all about the spouses and family if they allow their soldiers to basically get extra pay by claiming them or for being deployed, etc. yet don’t enforce the financial help for the families? All these good wives are getting the finger *legally* while the husbands keep the extra cash..

  49. Elizabeth says:

    Hello my name is Elizabeth, I want some information or help with a few questions. I’m in a sucky rut. My husband and I have ONLY been married a year,.. And I want a divorce. We have been separated for over 4 months. He has yet to give me any money for OUR home and child. I have been doing everything on my own. Would I still be able to get the bah he’s been owing me for those months. If not then my main question is will the army help me with a divorce?
    Reason I want one is because he was very abusive with me to the point where I had to get a military protective order from him. Or would I have to pay for the entire thing myself because he refuses to agree/help pay for the divorce. To be honest I don’t want this relationship any more I want to move on out of this crazy chapter from my life. He is currently incarcerated at the moment and might chapter out soon due to many mistakes he has made.
    Please help me or tell me what to do. If you can, I’d greatly apritiate it.

  50. Anon. Husband says:

    I am in the military, have been for almost 12 years. I am married (going on 9 years) and have three wonderful children. I have read many of the posts on here, and I can honestly say that my heart goes out to some of you. My wife and I are currently divorcing, and in the midst of this, I am also getting out of the Army for medical reasons.

    Do any of you think (trying to get a wife’s point of view) that a spouse that has lied and cheated deserves anything in the divorce? On top of that, someone that refused in nine years to better themselves, get a job etc….but now states that I was the reason because I somehow held them back? I will give here credit for taking care of the kids, although much of the time it was substandard. This is someone that slept until 11am daily on average while a three and four year old ran around the house unsupervised. The one point she constantly throws in my face is that she took care of the kids while I was deployed. Yes, she did, I am not denying that. But also while deployed, she had full control of our finances and a good life was provided for her and our children. I had no issues with that, because it was my wife and I loved her. But after beng cheated on three different times, lied to 100s of times (not talking little white lies) does anyone here honestly think she deserves anything? Your thoughts?

  51. Anon says:

    Hi there am sorry what your going through! I am going through a divorce and as a woman perspective any cheater male/female shouldn’t and don’t deserve shit. My husband cheated on me for god knows how long and he confessed on thanksgiving day what a dirt bag of a marine ([redacted]) yes let his name be known he blamed me but for what I’ve done he could of left me along time ago. So yes excuses and you know anon am glad this happend because now I know that it wasn’t me it was him a narccisstic human being I don’t know how he became a marine growing up in a alcoholic family I guess he wanted to brake the chain but no this guy is dirty. I don’t know how I put up with his dirty ass who would crap on himself or thought he was the know it all. But he’s just a follower. He sleeps with his family there just dirty I ask myself what did I see in him!!
    Sorry anon for my story but I think cheaters don’t deserve anything it was her fault now let her suffer the consequences and just like people tell me pay bacOk is abitch and am waiting to hear that
    It’s sad tho how we waste our time and energy for people who are not worth it. Thank god and smile that these people are off our back. Goodluck anon

  52. Kayode Lawson says:

    Wow , so many victims on here. Yu see, i am a soldier of one of the women who WOULD fit the criteria to put write a comment on this blog. The only difference is I see our marriage is going nowhere, (1)I offered to pay her the 100% of the BAH ($1025)…(#2) I will take on all the debt we have , except one ( a New Car payment which i will co-sign for her because she has no credit. I would even keep her on my phone plan , and car insurance. Keep in mind she makes around $2800 per month. All i ask in return is calmly move out my house that is in my name, so i can help offset this much needed money for the bills. Yet , she refuses and keeps disrespecting me minute after minute. The truth be told, since the house is mine i came file for seperation and she would be made to move out. And i would only have to give her around $850 of the $1025 i receive for BAH. However, some people are so stubborn. You see, i am only an E4 and i do have a child with her and i am paying child support for my other child. Folks , yu gotta remember there are 3 sides to a story. And i know all yu spouses we not perfect. When will someone say what led to him divorcing you. What did yu do and continued to do, that led him to send only enough to feed his child. We all know it doesnt take more than $400 to feed a child. We need more soldiers telling their side of the story.

  53. Virginia says:

    Hi
    My name is Virginia I have not even been married a year and all we do is fight . I am from Oklahoma but currently at fort campbell before I married I had everything for me and my kids I was working had my owe house I was doing good! Then I married a military man and my life has gone down hill and fast I want to return home and get back on my feet but I have no money to do this and he refuses to help me I feel trapped what can I do? He said he will give me a divorce but he will not help me get home I have three kids and we will be on the streets in a place I don’t even know can he do this?

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  58. Jada helms says:

    My husband and I have been married 3 years. The 1st year of our marriage he deployed and nothing has been the same since. We fight constantly about $ and he is always just so angry. I Recently was so desperate for some financial relief that I abtained a credit card in both our names and did not tell him. He found out and has filed for divorce. He found out about the cc barges in wed and filed on the following Monday. I am currently 4 months pregnant. He claims he wants nothing to do with me or his child and just wants us out of his life. I know I have made mistakes and I shoulder the responsibility of that. But I just feel like he is still so angry and not thinking with a clear head. We have tried counseling in the past and he hated it. We went 3 times and he said it just made him feel worse. It has been 2 weeks now and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. Any advice on how to help him get past his anger ? Or resources that the army may have that could help uS? He is in the Army Reserves and we live over an hour from his drill site. Is there any online army ha plain resources that I am missing? How could I get in touch with one ? Thankful for any help!

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  62. mandy says:

    I realize I am about 5 months past the last comment, but I found this site while sitting in my room in solitude with my own thoughts. I have tried so hard for the past five years to understand where I went wrong, what did I do that made my husband cheat on me. In 2010, we had been high school sweethearts and together for almost 20 but married 14 years. This was his last deployment on sea duty ,and we were to spend our last tour of shore duty in HI. In the middle of the deployment, he called to tell me he had gotten in trouble and they were going to be restricting him for the remainder of deployment and 3 months at half-pay reduction. I was obviously upset and wondered how I was going to pay the bills. I have worked here and there, but mostly stayed home raising kids. I married him right out of high school. Never had the time to attend school for a degree with 7-8 month long deployments and two babies. Upon his return from said deployment, things were not right. within three months I figured it out. He was having an affair with a female sailor on deployment(who was 10+ years younger than he), and continued until I caught him. Even then he said if I had not caught him he would still be doing it. As my kids began to cry because I was crying hysterically, they asked him why, and he said to a 10 & 7 year old “I’m sorry, I am not in love with mommy anymore, I love this other person”. I was in total shock, scared, hurt, angry, and every other emotion that comes with this. I can not remember my life the following 3 days. I finally (stupidly) decided to stay and work this out. I did love him after all, I thought I owed it to my kids to “work it out”. I told him I would not move to HI though, he would have to get those orders tanked, and a new set to somewhere I could get in my car and go home if I needed to. Needless to say we moved to another state, but after a long miserable year of crying myself to sleep, feeling insecure, my once God driven heart was filled with pure hate. I finally told him I was going home with the kids. I never took “time off” after affair and I needed separation time to go to counseling and find myself. So the kids and I moved back, and shortly after I found out he cut those orders short and moved back to the same state. Not only would he not give me my space, begging me to take him back, but he was and still is active duty, living with a roommate , living the single life, did not come to see his kids 4.5 hours away and dating everything he could online dating. All while begging me to take him back after he retires. I finally started college for my degree and filed for a divorce. Then and only then did he want to step up and come see his kids on a semi-regular basis. All the while he has split the BHA and provided me support for the kids (although the amount is about 400 less than the state calculates.) My attorney and I have been fair and patient waiting for this divorce to be final. While his attorney wants the settlement papers to state that his (future) retirement will constitute as a substantial change and he is not willing to pay alimony. Our marriage is approaching 19 years. I guess I do not really have a specific question, I have just never been able to publicly get this off my chest, and this seemed like a safe and supportive place to do so. I do often wonder though just how much trouble he would have been in for this affair seeing how they were both enlisted and it happened on a navy vessel during a deployment. He confessed and even told me certain secured places it took place on the ship. He also “videoed” his “break up” with her on his cell phone to “prove to me it was over with her”. I have kept all of this, the phone, video is copied on several drives etc. But I live in a “no fault” state where divorce is concerned and told it wont hold a candle in court to determine just what I am entitled to.

    • Megs says:

      You know, good for you!! I won’t type much, since I am using my phone and that only increasing the chance of embarrassing grammar errors, but two thumbs up for you!! You were handed a pile of crap on the plate of life and you made the best of it. Never feel bad about giving him a second chance. You tried, you learned, and now you get to walk away, in to a blank canvas. You get to create the life that you want!!
      As for support, I think the Navy has some of the clearest definitions of family support. I would consider talking with legal assistance to find out how much he owes you. It should be bah plus child support. I would also think there is some spousal support in there as well.
      I truly wish you luck!!

  63. concernedperson says:

    I got married to an amry guy at the begin of the year. I was going to move to texas with him but things came up and I couldn’t. But now he has a girlfriend and wants ne to stay married to him so he can move her and his kid out there until he gets out of the army. I cant afford the divorce. So what can I do ? He is getting the benifits for me living there and he has only sent me 200 dollars since we been married. I need some advice on what to do about this situation

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  65. Cleigh says:

    Question: My Husband and i divorced d/t multiple time of infidelity. He separated from the military in 2012 he got a really good job and then was laid off. He is now considered 70% disabled and receiving VA disability and is going to school full time but isn’t claiming BAH from him using the GI Bill. Is there anyway i can prove to a judge that he is recieving BAH and use the extra income as income hes receiving to make sure he pays his child support ?

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  68. Darwin Nero says:

    DR. KENE DILLI HELPED ME GET MY WIFE BACK TO ME

    We had been married for a while and things were OK, I was in love with her, she was crazy about me, but later on everything changed and by complicated exterior circumstances which did not have to do with us, we decided to pause for a while, but still remain friends. But in the end, she started getting cold: she treated me as if she did not know me, she acted too immature to the point where she did not even say hi to me when we bumped into each other (we had the same circle of friends). Of course, it hurt so badly, I wanted to kill her. Then out of nowhere she disappeared. I wrote her for her birthday and she replied little. Some of my “friends” saw she had left and started going cold with me too, as if it was my fault that she had left. The few that were still my close friends and still hers, told me she had moved on, that it was best not to make contact with her. Then out of the blue some months later she reappeared, but still acting like a douche. I was suffering emotionally of course, because we had never even had a divorce, it was just supposed to be a pause, so I did not know how to react, what to feel, what to do… anyway, she kept coming over and over on the weekends, and I had to deal with my “friends” who the moment they saw her, immediately left me and went over to her. Eventually, I decided to give up trying to restore anything with her as she was showing no signs of wanting me back, and started healing. Around four months after we had ended our relationship, I find out she is with another guy! That’s when I knew I had not gotten over her, because I cried, I was mad, it was just a feeling of “oh, poor me”. I could not stand losing her to some other guy, I decided to go diabolical (i.e. via spell). I got involved with a lot of fraudulent so-called spell casters on the internet who ripped me off my money without getting a result as to what I wanted. I almost lost my sanity. Just as I almost was giving up, one faithful morning, I received a mail from one of the spell castes I had applied for spell with but never got a reply all along. He made me to understand that he could not attend to all his costumers then because it was that time of the year for his annual fellowship with his ancestors for the renewal of his spiritual and supernatural gift. I told him not to worry about the spell anymore, that I was done with all of them fake spell casters. He assured me of his 100% genuine work of this gift which he possessed. I decided to give it a try. After spending about 2500 USD (which was due to my inability to provide a whole lot of materials which he needed for the spell process), I am happy to announce to the world that I have gotten back my wife and we are expecting our first baby. All thanks to Dr. Kene Dilli. All you out there tired of all these fraudsters that call themselves spell casters (seeking to rip were they have not sown) and you require legitimate spell for whatsoever purpose, contact Dr. Kene Dilli on his email address; kenedillitemples AT yahoo DOT com.RE-WRITE THE EMAIL ADDRESS IN IT’S STANDARD FORM.

  69. Hello,
    I am seeking advice. I have 2 children from previous marriages. We are from Florida and we got stationed in california about 7 months ago. My husband is verbally abusive and controlling. He finally said he was done with our marriage and mind you, I have no job, and get little child support. Anyway, he is going to cancel my car insurance and shut off my kids phones and not pay for anything. I was a registered medical assistant, but since he kept me from working, my license lapsed, so I can’t get a job that will pay enough so I can save up and move. My family can’t afford to help me move back to florida. I am stuck here and I’m scared that he will kick us out of the house. I have no money because I use the childsupport to pay bills and food. Will the military help me move back home???