Archive for Humor

Raising a Toddler is Like Having a Drunk Friend…

Raising a toddler is a real trip. It is like having a drunk best friend when you are always sober…possibly a drunk foreign friend given their command of the English language.

This morning, my two year old and I went off to run some errands. On the return trip, he quickly scurried into the back row of the mini van even though his seat is in the middle row.

“Come here sweetie. Help mommy by getting into your seat.”

“I drive car!”

“Sure you do, sweetie. But you can pretend to drive the car from your car seat. We need to be buckled in before we drive.”

Locates green bucket. Places on head. “Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!”

Drunk Toddler Behavior

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Compliments instead of Insults (Parenting Tip)

I stumbled upon a new technique to use when my older two kids fight. I was somewhat inspired by this hilarious photo:

Our Get Along Shirt

My first thought was, “at least I will be laughing so hard that I won’t yell.” My second thought was, “that will never work with my kids…they’ll just keep fighting like a giant shirt cage match until they tear the thing apart.”

Musing on the idea of enforcing physical closeness on fighting kids, I realized that the issue is more emotional than physical. Usually there is a barrage of misunderstandings and insults, then the yelling, before anything escalates to a physical conflict.

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Done Trying to be a Perfect Mom

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My husband is in the military, currently the National Guard. He’s gone one weekend a month, two weeks a year (at least in theory… because sometimes he’s gone a lot more and he occasionally travels for his full time job). He was recently two weeks and I swear he took half my brain with him.

It has been busy, crazy busy. In addition to finishing up one of the biggest projects I have ever worked on, an art history textbook for a program in California, we have had all of the end-of-the-year carnivals, field days, parties, preschool graduations, piano recitals, and gymnastics expos.

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Oh, and we also had our Daisy troop bridging to Brownies at my house. This was supposed to happen on my deck but it was the one rainy day all month. So, we set-up in the basement.

Did I mention I am also over 5 months pregnant with baby #4?

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Maybe it was because I was feeling like such a super mom after shuttling all the kids to all their various events, generally staying on top of the housework without my husband there, and throwing a magical Brownie Bridging that I overreached.

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Mom Review Blog

I thought of starting a Mom Review Blog.

Confused? I don’t mean a blog where I review products for families (yes I already have one of those). No, I mean a blog in the voice of a child reviewing mom.

But I already have enough blogs and it is kinda a one-note extended joke. So, instead, I bring you my first, and probably only entry.

Review of Mama by Junior

I’ve been thoroughly testing out my Mama for the past ten months, more if you consider the “in womb” experience. This particular model of mom is also known in certain markets as “Candace”.

I’m pleased to date with functionality although wear and tear has been an issue and I wish an extended warranty was available. I like when manufacturers stand by their products with guarantees.

I obtained this model second hand and, in fact, continue to share her with the original owner. This is a suitable arrangement as we frequently compare notes and find that more complex operations such as “wear her down until she gives us snacks” works better with two users.

The function I make most use of is the “carry and cuddle” option. This option may be activated in a variety of intuitive ways, including crying, speaking “mama”, and even just looking cute. There is plenty of padding on mama and no sharp edges so I find her very comfortable. She even comes with an optional “sling” accessory which is a fashionable addition for longer periods of carrying.

My sister, who previously used the carry function with great regularity, warns that this function diminishes around 30 pounds. At this point, she says that she has had to rely on the “Daddy” back-up for anything more than occasional carrying. In fact, at only 24 pounds, I’ve already noticed some groaning and creaking during the lifting phase.

Although at over 30 years of age, this model is in the middle-range for moms, I am still quite happy with the style I selected. I am particularly enamored of the strong contrast between her dark hairline and fair skin as that is one of the first things I was able to see.

Another favorite of mine is the lactation phase. This is easily activated and I’ve been able to access this on demand, although sometimes service is slow at night.

This particular model excels at playing and seems to be designed for musical games. She has several such games pre-programmed, including singing songs, reading, and “flying” me through the air. I’ve been able to upload other applications, such as drop and retrieve (for sippies, spoons, etc.), “peek-a-boo”, and “high five”. The available apps are almost too many to describe. My sister has raved particularly about “crafting” and “playground visit” functionality that I should be able to access soon.

If I were to suggest an upgrade, I would like a better battery with a shorter recharging period. My model requires 6-8 hours at night or else performance is sluggish. I believe that 4 hours should be sufficient.

Despite these limitations, I’m very satisfied with her and look forward to many years with her.

Full Disclosure: I receive this Mama for free and am completely biased.

You Shouldn’t Fence at Night

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Really. You MUST watch. Safe for work as long as your employer doesn’t mind you watching funny YouTUBE stuff at work.

Thank you, @yalechk for sharing.

Toddlerism: How to Mail Your Brother

My daughter and I made Valentine’s for her grandparents and godparents and then talked about sending them in the mail. I told her we’d go to the post office.

“…and then bring them home?” she asked.

No, sweetie, we leave mail at the post office and then the postman brings it to the right person’s house.

Fast forward several days to Valentine’s Day. I tell her it is Valentine’s Day, a day to celebrate love, etc. We talk about Daddy being her Valentine and I asked if her little brother would also be her Valentine.

In a comically confused and concerned voice, she whispered:

“Leave him at post office?”

Need a Pick-Me-Up?

I got this from @remarkabletweet, a twitter DM that actually caught my attention. Type this into your browser, using your own first name:

http://yourfirstname.isabsolutelyremarkable.com/

And bask in your own fabulosity.

Enjoy.

And Then There’s Mommy Strong…

It began as a joke–Captain Dad was talking about the strength it takes to parent through the day and we started humming the theme to the “Army Strong” commercial.

There’s Strong, and then there’s Mommy Strong…

But honestly, I’m finding it helps me get through some tough points in the day to imagine the music swelling as I lift my toddler or juggle the dishes.

You don’t really even have to change the lyrics, because we could benefit from getting over, and getting over ourselves…but it is more fun to mess with the words.

Cue trumpets:

There’s “strong,” and then there’s “Mommy strong,”

It’s more than physical strength; it is emotional strength.

Not strength with others, but the strength of mothers.

Not just strength at 12pm, but strength at 12am.

It is not just the strength to command, but the strength to convince,

Not just the strength to lift toddlers, the strength to lift spirits,

Not just the strength to lead, but to get your kids to actually follow,

Not just the strength to push, but the strength to push everyone out the door.

Not just the strength to do it yourself, the strength to teach little ones to do it for themselves.

There’s nothing stronger than a loving family, because there is nothing stronger than the love of a mother.

There’s “strong,” and then there’s “Mommy strong.”

Please feel free to add some lines.

Toddlerism: Princess Obvious

Toddler: (climbing off her toddler bed; whump; falls on floor; cries a little)

Me: Are you okay, sweetie? What did you hit?

Toddler: The floor!

Ba-dum-cha!

In other baby news, Junior started his swim “lessons.” They offer free lessons from two to six months’ so he goes in the pool when his sister has her lesson. It is so funny to watch them together. Who would have thought that the same parents and the same parenting could produce two such different children?

Junior just chills. Someone is holding me and it is not mommy? Oh, well…she seems nice. She’s lifting me up? Nice view. Now I’m under water? No problem.

He’s now three months’ and 18 POUNDS. Not sure how tall, but really tall. I’ll find out in a couple of weeks. Pictures coming soon.

Toddlerism: Do Toddlers Dream of Tiny Sheep?


A tweet from @PHATMommy reminded me of a recent toddlerism:

Baby awoke, clearly from a bad dream. She’s sleeping through the night 95% of the time these days, but she just could not settle back to sleep. We brought her into bed and she was still clearly very upset. So, I tried the direct approach:

Mama: Awww, sweetie…did you have a dream? What did you dream about.

Baby: Lids…not fit on…cups! *sob*

Mama: (trying really hard not to laugh) That must be upsetting. Well, put your head on your pillow and hug Cat-Cat and we’ll go back to sleep.

Where did she get this organization fetish so strong she has nightmares about it? Clearly not from me.