Hey Molly my husband is looking into a career In the army, I don’t like the idea because he will never be home and could always be deployed and could die. I am 19 he is 26 years old and we have a 5 month old daughter I didn’t not sign up to be a military wife I don’t like the idea of moving every other year and not being able to see him everyday and then spending long time periods away from him I guess my question is what is being a military spouse really like. He will be entering as a E3 but I don’t want to hear the lie from the recruiter I want to ask some one who is there.
Thank you for writing. Although you are already married, you may want to check out my post, “Should I Marry a Soldier?” I cover some of the questions you ask here but the long and the short of it is that no one can really give you the answers you are seeking.
Your family’s experience in the military will vary depending on your husband’s MOS (his specialty), the post, the unit, and even down to his Commanding Officer and NCOs. And it will also depend on both of you.
As someone who has been there I will not downplay the challenges of military life. At the same time, it can be a wonderful lifestyle for those who are able to “bloom where they are planted.” One of the lessons I have learned in life is that happy people are generally happy wherever they are and miserable people are miserable wherever they go. That said, military life can be intense and can bring out the strengths and weaknesses in people and in relationships.
What I will say is that no one is never home or deployed all of the time. And it seems as if the “operational tempo” may slow in the near future. God willing.
And very few people’s lives happen exactly as they plan. A lot of families find themselves moving frequently.
While the risk of being killed in combat is very real, it is statistically not great. It is the possibility, and the constant threat of this danger, that can be very difficult for both the soldier and his family.
Your question is really a marital issue than a military one. You had a picture of your future for you and your family and you married a man who you believed shared that plan. Now, he has brought something new and you do not like the idea. How you deal with this challenge will shape your future regardless of the decision made.
I am not a marriage counselor but here are my suggestions:
1. Do some research into his proposed MOS. Are there limited posts where he might be stationed?
2. Read up. Go to your library and take out some non-fiction books for new military spouses. You’ll find an honest but upbeat take on what to expect in general. Keep in mind that your mileage will vary.
3. Have him do the same. He needs to come to you with an honest assessment of why he would like to enlist, what he hopes to accomplish in the military, and how this will shape the family’s future. Has he always dreamed of being a soldier? Does he believe it is his duty to serve? Perhaps he sees the military as his best hope for career advancement? Or maybe he wants to provide for his family with the job security and benefits of the military?
4. Make a decision together. This is very difficult because you do not want him to resent you for telling him not to enlist. At the same time, it will be a very unpleasant career and possibly unsuccessful marriage if you are not at least a willing partner in this decision. Just like any other major decision in a marriage, you both need to reach some sort of agreement, even if one person will have to make more sacrifices than the other.
If you cannot do this on your own, you may wish to speak with a clergyman if you are at all religious or perhaps go to a couples’ counselor who can help you talk through these issues in a non-confrontational way.
Whether or not he joins the military, this will hopefully help you understand each other and your marriage better and you’ll come through it stronger.
Best of luck and please update us!